So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
