For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
