I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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