it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We talked him into tasing himself.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
