If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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