i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
