new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
