I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
