well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Don't make out with my wife yet
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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