what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
