I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
