How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
