I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
