Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
