I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
