Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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