I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
