I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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