You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
