she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They have beer where we have blood.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
