piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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