By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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