Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
