she looked like the before picture.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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