This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
