census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
