Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
