this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
