If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
