it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
