I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
