I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
