I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
