im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
