He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
