Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
