I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
