Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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