It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
