My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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