I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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