Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
