i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
