You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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