I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
