If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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