Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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