Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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