Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
