I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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