So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
